ASK AMY Twin interferes with relationship

Dear Amy: I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost two years.

The first year of our relationship, his twin sister was living in another country. She came back to live in this country last year. Upon her return, I very quickly discovered that they are extremely affectionate and obsessed with each other. She acts like his girlfriend or mom. She controls him. When he does something to upset her, like decline to go out for dinner, she guilts him relentlessly and he feels awful.

I find their relationship creepy, annoying and immature. Can I say something, or is it not my place? — Unsure

Dear Unsure: If your boyfriend is actually obsessed with his sister, then you’re toast. However, if she were truly controlling him, she wouldn’t have to “guilt” him, because he would always do what she wanted him to do.

As it is, it seems that he is saying “no” to his sister at least some of the time. He should see her behavior when she doesn’t get what she wants as an indication that at least part of their close relationship has a toxic tinge.

Is he working toward maintaining some healthier distance from his clingy twin? If so, you should talk to him about his efforts and ask if there are ways you can support him.

If you truly see this as a creepy attraction, you might as well say so, but keep in mind that she came first in his life and consciousness, and likely always will. A less reactive way to frame this might be: “I’m really struggling with your close relationship with your sister, and I feel it’s creating some serious boundary issues. Can we talk about this?”

If his sister has successfully designated you as her rival for her brother’s attention and affection, you should understand that you will not prevail. Any sibling relationship is powerful; the twin connection is in a category all its own.