Holiday drama brings big change

Dear Amy: Every year there’s some major disappointment, conflict or travel debacle during holidays with my wife’s extended family.

Last year, she said she was “done” after a big fight between her aunt and cousin that got very heated.

My wife finally said she was not going to host this year. I was thrilled, and told her we would find ways to make it special for us and our son. Soon after, my wife started getting “hurtful” responses from her family. She began to second-guess our decision.

I found out that my wife had actually blamed me for forgoing the holiday party this year, and she had told her family that she really wanted to have it, but I was against it.

Amy, how can I get my wife to understand “quality” over “quantity” with familial relationships? — Anxious Husband

Dear Husband: Your wife’s family members took advantage of her passivity for years, and now she is basically throwing you under the family bus in order to escape their reaction to this change. (Understand that your insistence that she change things is also probably stressful for her.)

But hey — she is half-right. You are the one forcing this issue, and you should be willing to take one for the family team. You are inoculated against this bullying because you likely don’t care all that much what these people think of you.

I hope you will take the lead and plan some holiday centered plans that your immediate family can enjoy together, in the hope that these will become traditions.

It isn’t fair, and it isn’t right, but you should be prepared for the possibility that even with a lovely, low-key holiday, your wife will feel pressured, guilty and as if she is missing something important. She will have to find the best balance for her.