Personal loss reveals friends’ true colors

Dear Amy: I recently lost my father. He was someone I adored and spent many hours caring for.

My long-time friends witnessed my devotion and love for my father. As we are all at the age where we are losing parents, I have attended funerals, contributed to flower arrangements, and sent donations and cards of condolence to these friends when their parents have died.

When my father died, our family was blessed with an outpouring of love and celebration in the hometown.

However, not one of my local friends, who I had considered some of my best friends, did anything to acknowledge my loss. Yes, there were texts and Facebook messages. But nothing on a personal level — not even a phone call.

I am absolutely heartbroken that these “friends” have ignored my heartache. — Hurt and Sad

Dear Hurt and Sad: You are thoughtful, affectionate, sincere and caring when you respond to others. You show up. You empathize with the enormity of loss because you love (and have been loved) so well.

Like you, I am at a lossmarked stage of life. And I’d like to state that showing up as a witness to someone else’s loss is a vital expression of our own humanity.

Yes, you probably appreciate a text from your local friends. No, it is not enough for you to feel comforted.

But here’s the rub. First of all, they didn’t know your father personally. And unfortunately, modern life has removed many of us from the important rituals surrounding death.

Also, people don’t always behave well, especially surrounding events where they can rightly claim that they “don’t know what to do.” Can you understand this, and — while you might not forget their lapses — forgive these people for being so flawed?