Dad doesn’t want to know half-sibling

Dear Amy: I am one of the many who have found a halfsibling through DNA testing. The birth mother never told my father that she was pregnant, and the child was put up for adoption over 50 years ago. I told my dad about this and he reacted by getting angry and stopping the conversation by telling me to not have contact with the new half-sibling. I gave it a few months and gently brought it up again, only to be shut down right away.

I am excited about my new relative and would like to meet them. Before moving forward, I would like to tell my other sibling about our new half-sibling. I am not sure if they will share my excitement but then they can decide if they’d like to pursue a relationship as well.

I am feeling quite anxious about having to keep this a secret. How do I tell my sibling that we have a half-sibling if our father is not open to discussing this? — Reluctant Secret Holder

Dear Reluctant: Your father had no knowledge of this child he fathered, so the existence of your half-sibling has not been a long-held secret. Don’t hold this as a secret now.

Your father’s response to this is completely understandable. He feels betrayed. He does not want to face the complications of this possible relationship. He assumes it will upend your family, but, if anecdotal evidence I’ve collected on DNA discoveries is accurate, the toughest part of the experience is the anticipation. Your father will not give you permission to pursue this. Understand it and forgive him for his own reaction.

I suggest you take this in discreet stages. Keep your expectations modest. After you make some initial contact with your half-sibling, tell your father that you are going to inform your other sibling. Reassure your father every step of the way, and if he refuses to discuss it, proceed on your own.