Fiance moves in, then stops moving

Dear Readers:

I’ve briefly stepped away from my column to work on a new writing project. This week, I’m rerunning topical Q&A from 10 years ago. I’m calling today’s topic: “Prewedding jitters.”

Dear Amy: My fiance and I got engaged last year. At the time, he was living in his own apartment and paying rent.

My family very generously invited him to come live with us rent-free until we were married. He quickly accepted the offer, but instead of putting the extra money toward the wedding we’re planning, he decided to buy a new car.

My fiance is often home washing his new car, taking a nap or playing video games while my parents are doing the work around the house. He never offers to help, and if I ask him to do a simple task such as walk their dog for them, he rolls his eyes and tries very hard to get out of it. I want him to choose to make the effort. Am I wrong to expect him to help out in exchange for a year of free living? — Fed-Up Fiancee

Dear Fed-Up:

You aren’t wrong to expect a fiance to help out around the house, but it seems to me you are wrong to expect YOUR fiance to help. Why? Because — at least in your telling — he sounds like a child.

Children need to be asked, reminded and sometimes scolded into doing what they’re supposed to do — and roll their eyes in retaliation. Keep in mind that you are not his mommy. Are you sure you want to marry this guy?

Realize that the behavior you are only barely tolerating now will intensify with time. If your fiance becomes your husband, you will be married to someone who is rested and entertained, and who takes care of his toys while he neglects everything else (including you). You will do everything he doesn’t want to do, and it sounds as if he doesn’t want to do much. (Aug., 2009)