Spouse’s choice affects a friendship

Dear Amy: I have been friends with a woman for more than 30 years.

Her husband, “Jake,” works in social work, as do I.

Recently he told me he was suspended from his job because he did not report that a minor on his caseload told him she was being sexually abused. When he first told me this, he took ownership. However, over time, and through investigations, his story has changed.

This guy is still going to professional events and not telling anyone about his license being revoked.

I’m not sure I can be around someone whose ethics were so poor that they didn’t report a sexual abuse situation, and then lied about it. I would hate to give up a close friendship over this jerk. Help! — Social Worker

Dear Social Worker: It’s not obvious (to me) that “Jake” is posing as a social worker — only that he is attending professional events, presumably to network. If it is obvious that he is misrepresenting himself, then you should definitely do something about it. While he might be lying by omission, presumably if he were being considered for a new job, or being brought off suspension for a related job, his professional issues would surface.

If you are aware of a professional and ethical reason to out him to colleagues, then you should. You should also be honest with him regarding your opinion about his professional behavior.

You don’t need to give up a longstanding friendship over this. You should assume that your friend will support her husband’s version of events. That’s what spouses try mightily to do. However, she should not insist that you buy her husband’s line.

If she prompts you, you can state: “I’ve shared my concerns about this with Jake.” Otherwise, you can decline to discuss it.