A mother’s anger is exposing her grief

Dear Amy: Twenty-five years ago, when my son was 10, I dated “Carl” for five years. Carl treated me badly, and this created a lot of disturbance in my son’s life, and mine. I eventually married a wonderful guy.

Seven years ago, my son died in an accident. Around that time, I learned that Carl has a wife and is now welloff. Since then I have struggled with anger and resentment. I regret that I didn’t kick him to the curb the first time he mistreated me.

I have Googled his name repeatedly, only to churn with rage about the fact that we broke up after all manner of hurt and inconvenience to my son, and Carl never once acknowledged this.

What should I do about this? — Struggling

Dear Struggling: Grief is tricky. Grief is insidious. Grief is a mask-wearing burglar who steals into your life and overtakes other emotions. And right now, your grief is using your anger as a shield.

You should approach this feeling — and your behavior — understanding that you are reviewing the events of your life (and your son’s life), and assigning blame for a very painful and challenging period where you made a series of choices that you now regret.

You didn’t protect your son adequately when he was an adolescent. And later — after you knew better and were more emotionally stable — you couldn’t protect him from the accident that claimed his life.

You have to ask yourself: What purpose does my behavior serve?” You need to try to decode whether Googling “Carl” is triggering — or soothing. You feel worse after you do this. Does feeling worse serve any purpose for you?

You also need to ask yourself this very tough question: Would my son want me to review and remember the worst part of his life on an endless loop? How does this serve his memory?