Mother drives, but never arrives

Dear Amy: Recently my nephew got married.

My mom RSVP’d for the wedding and made the fivehour drive with her husband to the city the wedding was in, but then didn’t attend the wedding and reception.

Her excuse was the fact that my stepfather had forgotten to pack dress clothes.

The next day all of our family members had brunch at a local restaurant. Again, my mom RSVP’d “yes” for her and her husband, and then didn’t attend. Her excuse was that she couldn’t find her sunglasses and therefore couldn’t drive to the restaurant. (My brother offered to pick them up.)

I resent that my mother didn’t even bother to see us.

This is not the first time my Mom has done this. When one of my mom’s nieces died, she made the five-hour drive and then didn’t attend the funeral. (I flew in to attend.) And a few months ago, her brother died, and she did not make the drive and did not attend the funeral.

What should I do? I am so angry that I feel like disowning my mom. — Upset Daughter

Dear Upset: If your mother proactively declined every invitation, you would have a more obvious hook to hang your anger upon.

Here she is, driving for hours, trying mightily — in her way — to show up! And yet she can’t quite get there.

Your mother might be extremely socially anxious, overwhelmed, exhausted or undermined by her husband. She’s working very hard to show up for her family, and yet she cannot seem to face her family.

Your response to her should not be anger. You should be concerned.

You are focused on the fact that your mother didn’t “bother” to see you at this wedding. She’s your mother. Maybe it’s time for you to show up for her.