MIL’s friendship with ex is disruptive

Dear Amy: My husband and I have been married for three years. He has three teen children from a previous marriage.

My mother-in-law has a great relationship with my husband’s first wife. They are so tight, that my MIL consistently invites her to family events. My husband has had to tell his mother more than once that he will not attend these events if his ex-wife is invited.

Recently, two of my husband’s kids graduated from high school. They went to dinner with their mother, stepfather and my husband’s parents afterward. My MIL thought it was perfectly fine that we were not invited.

If my husband and his ex have a disagreement over something, my MIL automatically takes his ex’s side and dismisses my husband.

I want to make sure we aren’t just being petty or immature for being so upset by my MIL’s relationship with his ex. If my husband and his ex-wife had an amicable divorce and were able to be friends afterward, I would support a friendship.

Is it wrong for us to expect that there should be different boundaries? — Just the Second Wife

Dear Second Wife: Your husband should never discuss his ex with his mother. He needs to remove the fuel that seems to fan her disruptive flame. You and he should focus on your own relationship, and your MIL should not be included as a party to your marriage. If she treats both of you badly, a natural consequence would be for you both to avoid her.

You and he should focus on building the best relationship possible with his children. Never discuss their mother in a negative light, and don’t involve your MIL in your decision-making.

She has the right to associate with anyone she chooses. You also have that right.