Older husband is eager to be a father

Dear Amy: My husband of almost 40 years would like to father a child.

During our first year of marriage, I had a hysterectomy, and so early on we realized I couldn’t give birth to a child.

At various points throughout our marriage, we talked about possible surrogacy, but he always dropped the matter.

Now that we are in our 60s, he is still perplexed and ambivalent, but I (on the other hand) feel we are too old to start looking into options again.

I would like to put to rest our conflicting dilemma. — Mrs. Perplexed

Dear Mrs.:

Your husband (and you) might be genuinely perplexed by the persistence of his impulse over the last 40 years to father a child. Of course, many women also wrestle with this desire, but their biology makes giving birth to a child less possible as time passes,and the reality that it won’t happen in later years.

Your husband may also have to accept this reality. But he could in fact father a child, and you two should discuss this seriously. Would he be interested in being a sperm donor for another woman, and would you consider some sort of shared parenting arrangement? If the answer for you is a firm “no,” then say so. But talk about it.

His thoughts regarding fathering a child might be increasing in power and frequency as he ages and faces the reality of his mortality.

Having a child might be unlikely — or unreasonable — but you should still discuss it. Does he feel cheated? Does he resent you for something you didn’t ask for and cannot control (your long-ago hysterectomy)? And do you resent him for periodically reminding you of it?

A marriage counselor could help to guide you through this challenging conversation, giving you the tools to discuss this topic without retreating into well-worn positions.