Daughter has trouble stepping

Dear Amy: I work as an executive assistant. I manage other people’s lives and multiple calendars every day.

I have also had to take on all the “event planning” duties for my family, as my mother has a degenerative neurological disorder and can’t do that anymore.

Amy, I am burnt out. My parents’ birthdays are coming up. I tried to set boundaries, and still I was the one who made all of the plans and did everything!

I am not sure what to do. I don’t receive commensurate attention for my special days.

I am ready to demand my father give me three-fourths of the estate because of all the work I do for them.

The worst part is that when I talk to anyone about this, including my therapist, they ALWAYS make me feel like it is my fault.

If I don’t help these people in my life, I feel terrible, and if I keep at it, I am going to lose my mind.

Is there anything I can do short of charging my family for my time? — Burnt Out

Dear Burnt Out: Boundary-setting would require more than just announcing to other people: “I don’t want to do this.”

Instead, you would have to declare, “I’m NOT going to do this,” and then you would have to stand down, and also face the consequences for whatever might happen next.

Your mother used to do everything for everyone else, and now you do. You two have either coincidentally surrounded yourselves with passive men, or you have trained these men to step back, perhaps because their way of doing things would not be acceptable to you.

When you’re really ready to stop, you won’t feel terrible, you’ll feel liberated. And yes, if you are performing many caregiving tasks for your folks, you should be compensated.