Dolphins headed for a rough ride

Crank the tank and embrace the losing (no matter what the Dolphins are saying)

I’m sorry, I’ve only got a second. I’m busy talking with Ryan from DriveTanks.com about investing in a ride to Miami Dolphins games this year.

“You want to buy a tank?” Ryan said.

“A Sherman,’’ I said, naming the only tank I know beyond “aquarium” or “Carradine.”

“An old one,’’ he said.

Old one? Me? The tank? It’s all confusing, this new Dolphins reality. The only crystal-clear part is the Dolphins are going to lose every game and, like it or not, you’d better equip thyself accordingly.

Seriously, raise your hand if you think the Dolphins are not tanking. Anyone? Anyone at all?

You, sir, sounding angry.

“I wouldn’t disrespect the game like that,’’ Dolphins coach Brian Flores said. “Again, no, we’re not [tanking]. We’re going to try to win every game. I think it’s disrespectful to even say that.” Oh.

Let’s also respect the value of being honest here. Flores, of course, is worried like any coach about a clown show breaking out in his locker room before the season even starts. General Manager Chris Grier really should have been front and center Sunday to address the big picture of these moves.

Also, the Dolphins should answer tanking questions by saying either: 1) “We’re laying the foundation here and some tough decisions have to be made;” or 2) “Are you stupid? Hell, yes, we’re tanking, considering where we are and the quarterback classes the next two drafts.”

That’s right. This is set up as a Two-Year-Tank, folks. That way, if Alabama’s Tua Tagovailoa is deemed The One in the coming draft, and he pulls an end-run by returning to class, the Dolphins still will be waiting in 2021 for him or Clemson’s Trevor Lawrence. Twice the fun. And the pain.

The odd part of this is the Dolphins haven’t maximized this tanking strategy. That’s in good part because they didn’t seem to embrace it until this weekend. Sure they have four No. 1 picks, four No. 2 picks and three No. 3 picks in the next two drafts.

But imagine if they didn’t re-sign Xavien Howard but traded him last spring when several teams would have bid. Another two or three high picks. Really, what’s the purpose of having Howard for the next few seasons? As Botox on a skeleton? Hey, they can lose every game with or without a great cornerback.

It looks equally foolish, in retrospect, to trade a second-round pick for quarterback Josh Rosen. It looked smart when pretended not to be tanking. Now, Rosen not only isn’t starting, but has no chance of succeeding with this team before the team drafts a quarterback.

This roster is worse than his three-win Arizona team a year ago that earned the top draft pick. Isn’t that grand?

Jimmy Johnson was famous for saying good is the enemy of great. Awful, by extension, is the Dolphins’ ally of great. It’s the drinking buddy of hope. It’s the BFF of drafting a franchise quarterback.

And you can go down the lineup to see how awful has lined up now that the top lineman, Laremy Tunsil, and top receiver, Kenny Stills, were shipped out Houston for draft picks. Offensive line? Putrid. Pass rush? Zippo. Quarterback? Too old or too young.

Receivers? With Stills gone, to quote former GM Jeff Ireland, “We’ve got a lot of 4’s, 5’s, and 6’s.”

Depth? The Dolphins cut 27 players. None were claimed by another team as of Sunday afternoon. Meanwhile, they signed five players other teams cut. Get the depth here? Coach? A rookie.

GM? Big hits and big misses.

Owner? Busy getting Trump re-elected.

Add it up and don’t listen to the doubters. They’ll lose every game this year. The one good unit the Dolphins have is the secondary, and that should change quickly.

Reshad Jones didn’t enter a game with a competitive team last year. You think he’s putting his aging and oft-injured body on the line to lose 16 straight games? Come on, would you?

Bobby McCain is a good player. Howard, again, is a great player. Why would they want to be part of the pain that’s coming the next few seasons – assuming, of course, everything works out?

They just have to look across Dolphins the practice field to see the man whose prime was wasted on bad teams, whose tired body reminds you the good times don’t last.

Oh, right, Dan Marino’s there, too.

But I was talking about me! My prime was wasted writing about these Dolphins teams. You’re only as good as your subject. And now comes the worst subject of all. These sacrificial Dolphins. Team Tank.

Which gets me back to the conversation with DriveTanks.com. This team’s bandwagon is a Tank-wagon. Finding the right ride is the tough part.

Ryan said to send an email. I did, too. But if you have a spare tank, one capable of bringing a battalion of fans, get in touch. The intent isn’t to disrespect the game. It’s to somehow survive the coming 16 games.

LYNNE SLADKY/AP The Dolphins have embraced the tank, as directed by, from left, general manager Chris Grier, owner Stephen Ross and coach Brian Flores.