Mother struggles with amends

Dear Amy: I am a recovering alcoholic and the mother of two beautiful adult daughters.

While I have been sober for seven years, my relationship with my oldest daughter, now 30, is nonexistent.

I continue to do the work I need to do through a 12-step program, but her estrangement puzzles me. She said she could not have a relationship with me unless I quit drinking. Well, I did quit drinking.

I have attempted to make amends for not being more present as her mother during those years when drinking took over my life.

I have continued to send random texts letting her know that I think about her. I’ve sent care packages.

She always replies with a cordial text, thanking me.

She left home before she turned 16. I’ve seen her maybe five times in 15 years. She is a virtual stranger to me.

Amy, I’ve carried sadness and regret over this broken relationship for 15 years.

Any suggestions? — Don’t Know How to Let Go

Dear Don’t Know: Apologizing is a “call to action” for the other person. When you apologize, you are asking the person to forgive you.

Making amends is a personal call to action for YOU. You are the one who will work the change.

What a sad, challenging childhood your daughter had!

You cannot undo the past. You can only treat her with loving kindness now.

You are doing that. You are also hoping to persuade or manipulate her into a fuller relationship with you.

You are doing what you need to do for your recovery. But what about her recovery? Being in a closer relationship with you might not be good or healthy for her.

Her cordial and kind responses to you are evidence that she values your efforts. It might have to be enough.