Son’s new baby is a poorly kept secret

Dear Amy: My divorced 45-year-old son, who lives 3,000 miles away, has been keeping a big secret from me for a year: He has a baby daughter.

I received a letter with photographs from his then girlfriend, the baby’s mother. She asks nothing of me or from me. She wants me to know I am welcome to visit the baby and be a part of the baby’s life.

The pregnancy was a surprise to both of them. He wanted her to terminate the pregnancy, and she didn’t, so he walked out.

I do not know if he contributes any child support.

Meanwhile, he has asked/ pressured me three times to get rid of my generationskipping trust with no personal explanation. I did not.

I thought my son and I had a close relationship. He is my only living child. The baby is my only biological grandchild.

My former husband abandoned us; we don’t even know where he is. I am remarried to a wonderful man.

I fear the choice to acknowledge my baby granddaughter could end my relationship with my son.

How should I tell him that I know? — Anonymous Gran

Dear Gran:

You could send your son the text of this question, which seems to outline exactly how you feel, with a note in the margin: “FYI.”

I assume you plan to follow up and make contact with this child’s mother. I hope you do. There is no need for you to try to explain your son’s behavior to the mother of the child. You are both adults and you both have the right to engage in whatever relationships you want. He may eventually acknowledge the child and come around in some minimal ways, but he might not ever step up.

You should assume that if you choose to acknowledge this child, your relationship with your son will be affected, but that is up to him.