Parents ponder disclosing abuse

Dear Amy: I am a 42-year-old man. My wife is 40. We were both abused as children.

I like to drink, and now my wife has followed this path. We have two kids.

Should we tell our kids about our past troubles?

Obviously, they see us drink too much at times.

The oldest is going off to college. He is a top-notch kid, and he knows we love him.

I’ve told him about the genetics of alcohol, but should I tell him about the abuse?

I’m not sure if I’m trying to cover my own insecurities by telling him, or if honesty is the best policy here? — Loving Father

Dear Father: Yes, honesty is the best policy.

You seem to gloss over your alcohol abuse; I infer that your childhood abuse has also been a factor and that both are likely related to your drinking.

It is also possible that your childhood abuse was perpetrated by people who were abusing alcohol.

The most impactful statement you could make to your entire family would be to admit that you are abusing alcohol — and to seek recovery.

The worst message you can send is to tell your kids that alcoholism is genetic, while you are drinking in front of them. Your children will sniff out the hypocrisy very quickly. They will also get the message that alcohol is more powerful than they are.

Your kids love you. But all of that love will take a back seat to the vulnerable legacy imposed by your untreated addiction. Children of alcoholics are often high-functioning “fixers,” with a deep well of anxiety they hide from the world.

Yes, you should tell your children, but not right before your son heads off to college, and not while you are still drinking.

You should start by admitting your alcoholism, telling your story to a therapist, and working toward recovery.