Reunion reveals some dirty business

Dear Amy: I belong to a large extended family that throws a reunion every five years. Family members travel from around the world to visit.

A cousin I’ve been close to since childhood lives near the airport. She always offers her home for arriving relatives, but she is perplexed because no one (except me) ever takes her up on her offers.

All members of her household are terrible housekeepers, and their house seems to be coated with a layer of grime. They don’t seem to see it.

They are well-educated, kind and caring people.

bring my own scrubby sponge and quietly clean the guest bathroom after I arrive.

My cousin is continually upset when people make excuses to not visit.

She thinks it’s because of something she must have said or done, but in hearing grumblings from the extended family, it’s really about the grime.

Should I tell my wonderful cousin about how her living situation is perceived? — Caring Cousin

Dear Caring:

You should be gently and kindly honest. You can expect her feelings to be hurt, but she is laboring under a worse assumption.

I suggest that you say to her, “This is hard for me to say, but I believe people don’t want to visit because of the condition of your house. You know how picky and antiseptic Americans are, and I think this is why people don’t come over more often. Your house is very different from what I’m used to, but I don’t care about it as much as other people might. But this is NOT a personal thing. Everybody adores you. I hope you know that.” You could then offer to help her, if she asks for help.

This message is both hard to deliver, and hard to hear. I’d love to hear from readers.