Cheating creates a wave of drama

Dear Amy: My brother has recently fathered a child.

I love the baby, my brother, and the woman he is with. Except, it isn’t one woman.

My brother has a history of womanizing and being with many women at once.

My family and I usually grow attached to the primary woman he’s with, only to have them hate us in the end.

I don’t want that to happen with the mother of this baby, but how do I approach this?

I’m stuck in a tidal wave of drama. Is there a way I can at least lessen the storm? — A Morally Confused Sister

Dear Morally Confused:

You are not in charge of policing your adult brother. You don’t owe it to either party to tell — or lie.

You have to imagine that the women your brother chooses must have some awareness of his womanizing, because — presumably — he is cheating on someone else when he takes up with them.

Because there is a baby in the picture, the stakes are different now, and you might give your brother a “heads up” by telling him, “I just want you to know that the next time I find out you’re cheating, I’m not going to keep your secret for you.” You could also say to the woman, “My brother has a history of cheating on his partners. I hope he behaves differently.”

Unfortunately, this does not keep you out of the tidal wave of drama — it means you would be surfing on the first wave. And — I assure you — if you tell a woman your brother is cheating on her, she could find a way to blame you, anyway.

Plant your family flag with this baby, and assume that at some point your brother will cheat. If you want (or feel forced) to declare your loyalty in order to maintain a close relationship with the child and its mother, you might say to him, “Um this time, I choose her.”