Mom learns it’s not easy being mean

Dear Amy: I am a separated, 63-year-old retiree. My 29-year-old daughter lives at home. She has a halfsister and a father she doesn’t see very often.

I am having a very difficult time navigating retirement with my adult child living at home. She pays no rent and offers no help, other than buying her own food and paying for her cellphone, car loan, and insurance.

She has had a series of jobs, but lost the most recent one due to the COVID-19 emergency.

I’m not allowed to complain because then I am “mean.”

She has a lot of anxiety and so I find myself staying quiet. When I have mentioned her moving out, she says she looked at apartment rentals every day, but couldn’t find anything she liked.

I feel taken advantage of and don’t know how to move things forward.

Any advice? — Scared

Dear Scared: The reason your daughter is still living with you is because you are too scared to be called “mean.” She has you right where she wants you.

If she has panic attacks, she should seek professional treatment for her anxiety. If she is experiencing fear-based tantrums, she is proving that she is a lot like her mother: Too scared to change.

When you start treating your daughter like an adult, she will be forced to become one.

Your household needs to develop an action plan. YOU can set the agenda. The goal? She gets a job, and she moves out. She can spend these next few months working on it. In the meantime, you should split the household duties down the middle.

And then you should hang in there through the panic, acting out, tantrums, and rages.

If she proves unwilling to exert herself, perhaps she could camp with her father.