Worn-out partner faces a tough choice

Dear Amy: I’ve been with “Brad” for six years (we’re in our 50s, both divorced). Six months before he moved into my house, he lost his job. I let him move in, with the understanding that he would get back to work quickly. In the four years he’s lived here, he has had three jobs. None lasted long. (I work from home.)

Brad has begun to drink. A lot. Many days, he drinks up to 15 beers.

His parents send him money, which he uses to pay child support and buy some groceries. He does keep the place spotless and does all the yardwork.

He typically is very loving, but when he drinks, he gets angry, snarky, and critical of me and everyone else in his life. He is diagnosed with depression and takes his meds, but he won’t discuss the possibility of needing different meds or dosages with his doctor.

In February, we agreed that April 1 was a deadline, and if he didn’t meet it, he would leave. Then everything shut down (COVID-19). I’m going crazy.

I’m afraid of what might happen to him, so I remain stuck. — Worn Down

Dear Worn Down: At one point you two agreed that April 1 was “Brad’s” move-out deadline. He has not demonstrated the ability to change. and yet you keep expecting it.

Stop trying to bargain with Brad. It’s not working.

Brad has been diagnosed with depression, and although he takes his meds, he is also dosing up with one of the world’s most powerful depressants: alcohol. That’s the power of an addiction disorder: He drinks even though it makes him feel worse.

All the same, Brad’s problems belong to him. When you get the “all clear,” you should simply tell him that you love him, but that he has to go. You don’t need to restate all of your expectations.