Couple argues over emotional affair

Dear Amy: My marriage of nearly 40 years has been crumbling for a couple of years now, primarily due to my frustration with my husband’s negative attitude toward life.

Now that we are both retired and home, it has hit the proverbial fan.

“Barney” is on his phone a lot. He keeps it glued to his side. I wondered what he was up to, so I checked our phone bill (not his phone) and discovered he has been texting a woman he knew from high school at least 350 times a month.

I think this has a lot to do with our problems. I confronted him and he popped a cork.

He says I’ve “broken his trust.” I told him this is indicative of an emotional affair, and he swears that since they don’t talk about anything sexual, I am wrong.

Can this be an emotional affair if they only talk about their day-to-day activities? I say yes, he says no.— Untexted in Texas

Dear Untexted: Perhaps you have a friend that you text dozens of times a day, but I doubt it.

If you did have a friend that you texted continuously for two years (while at the same time not communicating with your husband), he would very rightly wonder what in the Sam Hill was going on.

You did not violate his privacy by checking the phone bill. Presumably, it’s your phone bill, too.

Emotional affairs are different from sexual affairs. Emotional affairs grow when people share intimacies, while excluding their partners. These relationships are every bit as insidious and destructive to a marriage as a sexual relationship.

Barney’s anger about your discovery is a “tell.”

He could handle this by coming clean about this friendship and being emotionally honest with you about it.