FIL’s rudeness might be medical

Dear Amy: My wife’s parents have been married for almost 40 years. My fatherin-law recently told my wife that he plans to divorce my mother-in-law, and then move away. He has not told his wife yet, but his unhappiness is obvious.

He will openly criticize traits of hers that he doesn’t like, and he does it in a very disrespectful way.

My father-in-law has started making similar rude comments about our 2-year-old daughter, “Clara.” Clara has a big vocabulary and is very strong willed. She can be demanding and will throw temper tantrums.

When she displays these behaviors, my father-in-law will start making the exact same remarks about her that he does about his wife.

They live nearby and we see them almost daily.

I want Clara to grow up to be a strong-willed woman, so I don’t want anything to quell her spirited nature. I don’t think it’s appropriate for a husband/grandfather to be talking to his wife/ grandchild the way he does.

How should I handle this? — Protective Poppa

Dear Protective: It seems to me that your father-in-law is showing some signs of cognitive changes or decline. If this behavior is more recent, then a medical reason should be considered. Urge your wife to help get him to the doctor.

Some people with brain disorders or disease behave aggressively and rudely; dementia does not always manifest with forgetfulness.

Yes, this could be the behavior of a crotchety, rude and verbally abusive older man, but you should consider that there might be something else.

When he behaves this way toward your daughter, you should step in: “Whoa, Bill. She’s just a baby. She’s always watching what her Grandpa does. I’d appreciate it if you would talk nicely to her, even if she is acting out.”