October wedding creates a dilemma

Dear Amy: My daughter is scheduled to get married in October.

The state where the wedding is to take place has lifted all restrictions on these ceremonies.

She and her fiance will travel from their home state, which is currently a hot spot for COVID.

My daughter doesn’t want to put her life on hold.

She is willing to downsize, but not to a safe level.

I’m in good health but at an age that is considered “at risk.”

She wants me to come and participate. I will have to fly to get there. I’m torn.

Any advice? — Reluctant Dear Reluctant:

Your daughter is an adult who is making a choice that might seem to you (and me) to be particularly shortsighted. Her desire “not to put her life on hold” is natural for an eager bride, but her choice to pull people into a gathering might end up putting her guests’ lives on “hold.”

The risk for transmitting the virus is particularly high for larger gatherings.

Weddings and funerals are particularly challenging because of the age differential of guests, the likelihood that they would have traveled from far and wide, the emotional context of the events, and, with weddings, alcohol.

Given how often the pandemic landscape changes, each of us has to make the choice that is best for us.

Right now, what you know for sure is that it is very risky for you to travel and to gather with others.

Mothers want to be there for their children. We want to give our kids what they want in life. But understand that if you felt pressured to attend, did attend, and then became ill, your daughter would be devastated, so your choice not to attend will on some level be for her.

Not being there might be the best way for you to “be there” for her.