Husband patrols wife’s feelings

Dear Amy: My wife and I have been married for a long time. We are in our 60s.

Several times now when “Millie” feels slighted by a friend, I have mentioned a mitigating reason that the alleged offensive act is not so bad as it might seem.

Millie goes into a rage.

She says I am telling her that she is not entitled to her feelings.

I think that I AM supporting her by suggesting that she doesn’t have to feel so offended.

Millie seems to believe that rage is a proportionate response.

She claims that I could state my objection a different way without “judging” her. I don’t know how that is possible.

Millie also says that I regularly disagree with her, seemingly for the sake of being contrary.

How can we find some middle ground? — Mindful

Dear Mindful: Some of what you describe could broadly be categorized as differences in communication styles typical for males and females. The “Mars/Venus” stereotype seems to fit.

Using this stereotype, a woman wants to share her feelings and mainly be “heard.” She is seeking commiseration.

Men hear about a scenario and tend to problem-solve first.

Your wife perceives your problem-solving as you negating her feelings.

You telling “Millie” that she “doesn’t have to feel so offended” is really you telling her how she “should” feel — and nobody gets to tell another person how to feel.

You should NOT have to universally agree with your wife.But why do you have an opinion about a dynamic between Millie and her friend?

You two should talk about the way you communicate, and you should both make changes, in order to shift your dynamic. A couples counselor could definitely help.