Dinner party reveals problem

Dear Amy: A couple of years ago, an acquaintance of ours hosted a dinner party. I was only acquainted with half the people there. The hostess didn’t make introductions.

One person present was someone I had met a few times. (I’ll call her “Jane.”)

I knew that Jane had a partner, “Joan.”

At the dinner, Jane was sitting next to a man.

At one point I stared across the table because I was trying to determine if this was Jane’s brother, or if Joan was transitioning to male.

We spoke briefly afterward, and they made no attempt to reintroduce themselves to me.

After they left, the hostess explained that Joan was now “John” and how they hate to have to explain themselves or their pronoun, which is “they.”

I tried to joke: “I didn’t get the memo.” To which the hostess replied, “It wasn’t my memo to send.”

I think the hostess could have spared some social awkwardness with one quick sentence privately.

What do you think? — Befuddled Guest

Dear Befuddled: Names: We have them for a reason.

Who invites a bunch of previously unacquainted people to their home and then doesn’t introduce them to each other?

Why didn’t you introduce yourself to people? If the person answers by saying, “We’ve met before,” you can say, “Oh, I’m so sorry. Remind me of your name?”

I agree that it is not the hostess’s job to deliver the memo about a guest’s gender transition in advance of the party. It IS the hostess’s job to introduce her guests to one another.

If you know someone’s name, you don’t have to ponder or puzzle over their gender. But gender identity doesn’t matter.