DNA test reveals mistaken identity

Dear Amy: I gave birth to a child in the ‘70s. I was 16 at the time, and for all these years I thought I knew who my daughter’s biological father was. He was not involved in her life. I married and my husband adopted her. Our daughter knows.

Yesterday, I found out via a DNA test who her real biological father is. I had no idea, and I am stunned. This person passed away 10 years ago. I confessed everything to my daughter.

How do I get through this? What do I say to the other “father,” who I have not had contact with in 40 years? — No Words

Dear No Words: I think it’s important to recognize that you have done so much that is absolutely right. You have always been honest with her.

It would be wise for you to find a professional counselor to help you and your family navigate through this. Some of the layers of this situation are intensely personal for you, but this also has wider consequences for your husband, and (of course) your daughter.

The National Association of Social Workers has links.

You have already been brave about this and have notified your daughter about her DNA parentage. It is hard to know how this will affect her.

Yes, you should contact the person you always assumed was her biological father. I gather that he never financially contributed to your daughter’s care (if he had, it would bring up a further complication), but he could be harboring his own complicated feelings of guilt and sadness about his long-ago rejection. (Rejecting a mistaken-daughter is not different from rejecting an actualdaughter, but all the same he should be told the truth.)

Your daughter might be interested in connecting with some of her bio-relatives, and when the dust surrounding this settles, I hope you all find peace, love, and resolution regarding the choices.