Husband needs a dose of cordial

Dear Amy: My wife of many years decided that she didn’t want to be married to me anymore. Turns out she had become involved with a bad influence from her past. They are now married.

During the divorce proceedings, they conspired to destroy me. She sought to remove me from our house, to terminate all of my parental rights, and lied repeatedly under oath. She even tried to get her hands on the kids’ education savings accounts.

I have never said a bad word to them about their mother and hopefully never will. I don’t want her husband at smaller family gatherings like a baptism, grandchildren’s birthday parties, etc.

I will never shake the man’s hand or be cordial to him. I can’t imagine having to hold a conversation with this creep. Yet, I don’t want to sit home alone just because he’s there.

I realize that to give the kids an ultimatum (”him or me”) is not fair to them.

I would very much appreciate your wise thoughts on this one. — Reluctant Ex

Dear Reluctant: Understand that if you state, “It’s him or me,” you lose, no matter what your kids decide, because you will have surrendered your power and pride to someone who doesn’t deserve it.

I often suggest “cordiality” in this space because I believe that this is a concept that Americans don’t easily grasp. Speaking very broadly, we are visceral and revealing people.

Being cordial implies that you give NOTHING away. You hold it in. You leave people wondering. It is the essence of maintaining the “upper hand,” but it also allows you the internal satisfaction of behaving to a polite standard.

You’ve been cordial. That’s what good parents do!

At smaller events, you would do well to attend with a friend or family member who can serve as a buffer.

Amy Dickinson ASK AMY