Partner struggles with workload

DearAmy: I have been with my partner for more than 30 years (we’re both women). We’ve lived together for the past seven years.

I’ve watched her “bad habits” become worse, to the point that I’m worried.

I think she may be suffering from depression. I asked her how/why she wears clothes that are stained and torn, even to work. She said, “I don’t care about that stuff.”

Her car is dirty inside and out, she never picks up anything she uses in the house, and she leaves things where she has dropped them in the house and yard. In the morning, she fixes herself breakfast and leaves dishes in the sink.

I’ve tried to talk with her. We both work long hours and are successful in our jobs, so why do I have to work so hard in this house? She has always been sloppy, but this is more than I know how to handle.

Amy, I am 63 years old. I know two things: First, our bad habits get worse as we age, and second, I cannot keep up this house on my own for the rest of my life.

When I’ve tried to get her to open up or even go for counseling together or on her own, she turns it into an argument.

What words can I say to get her to care? — Hanging On

DearHanging On: You cannot force her to love you differently.

Ask yourself: Is this what I want?

Answer honestly, and make a choice that focuses on you and on fixing your life.

It doesn’t seem to me that she is depressed, but rather that she has found herself a wonderful woman who enables her at every turn. And now, 30 years later, your partner simply doesn’t seem to give a damn, in part because she has never really had to.

You should see a therapist.