Angry letter may provoke unintended response

Dear Amy: A few years back, an elderly family member passed away and left a lot more money to my father’s brother and his (second) wife than to other family members. We were never told why, and my uncle and his wife refused to share these funds without expecting to be paid back.

Last year my parents both died, and for the last two years or so they were terribly sick and frail and I had to take care of them all the time.

My uncle and his wife live only about a half-hour away. They never offered to help out. They never visited. When my mother died, they did not attend the funeral or even send me a sympathy card.

Well, Amy, needless to say, I strongly dislike these two people (as did my late mother), and I often think of sending them a letter telling them how I feel.

My question is, how can family members be so coldhearted? Should I send them a letter telling them how I feel? — Hurt and Angry

Dear Hurt: Your deceased family member might have left more money to your uncle than to others because at one time your uncle had loaned or given that family member money. Your uncle (and his wife) might not have visited or had contact with your parents because the money — or another issue — created a rift. . That is the true tragedy of family estrangement: it is insidious and generational.

I’m not offering up excuses, but an explanation for how complex estranged relationships can become.

They don’t seem to care, might misread or misunderstand your intentions, and may share it or criticize you to other family members.