Relapse places household at risk

DearAmy: I have been cohabitating with my partner for four years. He is thoughtful, kind, and generous — when he is sober. Sadly, he is an alcoholic.

I did not fully understand until he relapsed about one year into our relationship. He has relapsed multiple times.

He will build up resentments and stress. Then one day, I will come home and he will be drinking. He will attack my son and criticize my parenting. Then he will feel ashamed and say that I should leave him. He will lie in bed for days binge-drinking vodka.

I tell him I need him to be sober and to work on asserting himself and learn effective coping skills for stress, but he feels like I am trying to control him and that he can’t be sober as long as he lives in a stressful environment.

We have broken up multiple times, only to get back together. We have been in therapy (briefly) and will keep trying, but I don’t know what else I can do.

What should I do? — Stumped and Heartbroken

DearStumped: Parent your son, not your partner.

You should orient yourself toward what is best for your son. Obviously, living in a sober household is best.

You might have the desire to tolerate the wild ups and downs of your partner’s drinking, but your child has no power over what happens.

He likely walks on eggshells, dreading the next relapse and the attendant drama. This makes him vulnerable to his own problems down the line.

Your home life is also unhealthy for your partner. He cannot maintain his sobriety while he is with you. This is not your fault, or his.

In my opinion, you and your partner should live separately. You should attend Al-anon.