Mom’s martyrdom creates a man-boy monster

Dear Amy: My live-in boyfriend of four years is selfish and impossible to talk to.

He puts up his guard, starts yelling and deflecting!

I need him to grow up.

I have a 15-year-old son. I had my son when I was 22.

My boyfriend has never lived with a girlfriend before and doesn’t have children.

I love taking care of “my Boys,” but it is never, ever reciprocated. He works from home, and usually starts drinking at around noon. He averages around 15 beers a day.

I have been sober for one year. Talking to him in the evening is out of the question.

How do I talk to him? — Feeling Different

Dear Different: Talk is impossible if the person is drunk and belligerent.

What you see as nurturing behavior, I see as enabling.

There is a distinction between “taking care of my boys” and promoting your partner’s selfish behavior.

I think it might clarify your next move if you examined, recognized, and held yourself accountable for your role.

Kids look to the members of their own household for models of how to be. What man does your son have as a role model?

If things don’t change, your son might be on his way to becoming the same type of hard-drinking man-boy.

You need to nurture yourself. This can be challenging if you view your worth through your martyrdom to others.

Attend sobriety-support meetings. Seek perspective from your own circle of loved ones, and listen carefully to what they tell you.

Understand that you will not change your partner, but you can definitely change yourself.