Marriage has porous borders

Dear Amy: My husband of 13 years is having boundary issues with a colleague. They became close when he had a depressive episode and confided in her. He said a lot of things to her that made me uncomfortable, including comments about our relationship and our finances.

I read his messages and have proof.

I confessed that I read his messages. He said he no longer considers her “a friend.”

I am still reading messages, and today I read a reply from him to her where he said he would “love to see her.”

I know they don’t have a physical relationship, but I am sick of being lied to.

We both have therapists but can’t afford therapy together. What now? — Upset Wife

Dear Wife: Your husband isn’t the only member of your household who has boundary issues. Your own choice to continue to violate his privacy is leaping over an important personal boundary. Stop it.

Yes, he erred when he confided in his friend. His choice to do that denotes the first stages of an “emotional affair.”

You might ask yourself why your husband confided in someone else. You don’t mention what inspired you to monitor his communication, but you must explore how your behavior might be connected with his.

You are both vulnerable. Honesty entails more than admitting you caught him doing something you don’t want him to do. Tell him you would like to work as an equal, flawed, and vulnerable partner to rebuild trust — together.

You are each in therapy; you should be in therapy together. Perhaps his therapist would agree to let you sit in for a session in order to communicate about this openly.