Friendship falters over shunning

Dear Amy: My friend, “Cynthia,” and I have been close for 24 years. We have met for lunch once a week. We are both women over 60.

I have a 22-year-old granddaughter, who is gay.

Cynthia has decided that I am “too accepting” of gayness and has told me that she can no longer be my friend.

She has gay family members that she shuns; she told me she wanted me to shun my granddaughter. I will not do that.

I asked her if we could agree to disagree, and she refused.

My granddaughter has not asked me to shun anyone who is anti-gay.

My friend has fine qualities, and I enjoyed her company.

I realize I am much better off without her hatred.

Was it wrong of me to be willing to “agree to disagree?” — Worried

Dear Worried: Many people make choices to tolerate someone whose views are opposed to their own. I believe there are valid reasons to do this. Some people also try very hard to lovingly accept those whose views they abhor. Long-term friendship does mean that we see and accept that our friends are flawed, just as we are.

Where this goes awry is when your friend demanded you adopt her hateful views. She rejected you for refusing to hate. This shows how irredeemable she is, and why you are wondering why you walked partway toward her.

I’d say you should allow guilt about your own acquiescence to be your teacher. To be a true ally, you must reject hatred, and not “agree to disagree,” when the matter at hand involves human beings who are being human.

I think you should feel very sorry for this former friend of yours, as well as relieved to be shunned by her. No doubt, you are in very good company.