Wife with no name resists erasure

Dear Amy: My husband, “Calvin” and I have been together for 18 years. We’ve been married for two years.

One thing that has bothered me is Calvin never uses my first name! He addresses me as nothing, or sometimes as “Honey.” He used to whistle or snap his fingers when he wanted my attention, until I pointed out that I was not a dog, and he stopped.

I have tried to talk to him about it. I asked if he doesn’t like my name, or if my name reminds him of someone he dislikes. He weasels out of the conversation.

Should I give up the struggle? I just don’t get it. — Not Nameless Wife

Dear Not Nameless: I don’t get how you could be with someone for 16 years — and then marry him — if he refused to use your name.

I’m imagining your wedding vows: “I take you …. over there … to be my lawfully wedded wife.” And how does he introduce you to others?

Your husband has proven he can respond successfully to negative reactions. When he snapped his fingers or whistled and you pointed out this was unacceptable, he stopped.

His behavior does show a lack of respect: It is passive-aggressive. To me, this seems like something of an erasure.

When human beings choose partners, it is affirmative and loving to find ways to respect a partner’s preferences.

I suggest you stop trying to understand this, and insist he call you by name. Give him positive reinforcement when he does, and don’t respond when he doesn’t. (And if he calls you “nothing,” your response should be nothing.)

If that doesn’t work and you want to stay with him

(you obviously do), then, yes, accept it, and hope that he can manage to identify you correctly in an emergency.