Late laughs
Conan
Donald Trump has announced that as president, he’ll take a salary of $1 per year. And he promises he’ll earn every penny — he’s going to give us our money’s worth.
President-elect Trump tweeted that he would have won the popular vote if he had campaigned more in New York, Florida and California. Trump explained: “I just got tired and ran out of terrible things to say.”
There are reports that Bill Clinton encouraged Donald Trump to run for president. When asked about it, Bill Clinton said: “It hasn’t been this tense around my house since ... well, you know ...”
Over the weekend, some of the anti-Trump protests turned violent in Portland. Portland doctors reported a sharp increase in handlebar mustache injuries.
Jimmy Kimmel Live
Hopefully by now you’ve come to terms with the fact that, no matter how much you drink, it’s not going to change the results of the election.
Donald Trump has been getting some big-league congratulatory calls this week from President Clinton, George W. Bush, George H.W. Bush, from Jeb Bush, Billy Bush — all the Bushes called. And yesterday, he heard from the crème de la Kremlin himself, Russian President Vlad Putin. Trump says he felt good about the talk, but next time he definitely wants to hire a translator.
Meanwhile, on Dec. 1, Nike puts the shoe we’ve all been waiting for on sale, a shoe inspired by the movie “Back to the Future II.” After 27 years, “Back to the Future II” finally came true: We have self-lacing sneakers, we have hover boards, and a President Biff!
Late Night With Seth Meyers
During an interview yesterday, Donald Trump told his supporters not to harass Latinos and Muslims. “Uh oh,” said black people.
Donald Trump told his supporters last night not to harass Latinos and Muslims, saying: “I will say right to the cameras: Stop it.” And then he winked so hard, his wig unsnapped.
President Obama departed tonight for his final foreign trip as president, where he’s expected to explain Donald Trump’s election to world leaders in Greece, Peru and Germany. Said Germany: “Don’t bother, we get the gist.”
Today was Spicy Guacamole Day, when people across America celebrate guacamole. Or, as it will be called under the Trump administration: “Freedom Dip.”
Dr. Ben Carson has reportedly told Donald Trump that he isn’t interested in serving in the Trump administration. And just like at the debates, if his name is called, he won’t answer.
High school students across the country walked out of class today in protest of Donald Trump. Which is weird, since he’s living proof that you can do none of your homework and still become president.
Residents of a town in Missouri this week are complaining about the creation of a “bondage club” that operates next door to a church. The town filed a restraining order, but that just got them more excited.
One of Donald Trump’s potential attorneys general is reportedly already working on a plan to make Muslims register with the government. Does anyone see a problem with that, or do you Nazi?