Late laughs
Conan
In his speech on Afghanistan last night, President Trump said, “Attack we will.” Then Trump introduced his new military strategist: Gen. Mad Dog Yoda. Before announcing his decision on Afghanistan, President Trump was said to have made a “rigorous” review of the issue. Yes, Trump said, “I must have read at least four tweets about it!” There were a lot of protestors at a rally today in Phoenix attended by President Trump and Vice-President Pence. Things got awkward when it turned out that the “Impeach Trump” chants were being led by Mike Pence. Mark Wahlberg has been named 2017’s highest paid male actor. Today, Mark said, “I don’t know why either.” There’s a new beer coming out that contains marijuana. Unfortunately, the inventor cannot for the life of him remember how he made it. India has outlawed its long, long practice of “instant divorce.” However, India will still continue to offer its popular “cool ranch divorce.”
The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon
Costco has to pay Tiffany’s $19 million for selling 2,500 fake Tiffany rings. Husbands don’t know what’s worse, having to tell their wife her ring ISN’T from Tiffany, or that it IS from Costco. I read about a 98-year-old woman and a 94-year-old man here in New York who just got married. And if you want to get them a gift, hurry! A man in the U.K. saved his pet tortoise by giving it mouth-tomouth resuscitation — at least, that’s what he told his wife when she walked in on them. I read that New York City could host the World Cup in 2026. That’s right, thousands of people trying not to use their hands — or as that’s called in New York, “riding the subway.” The Connecticut Lottery’s mobile app malfunctioned this weekend and told some lottery winners they had lost, when instead they should have been told, “You have a lottery app on your phone — get help.”
The Late Show With Stephen Colbert
Trump’s buddy Vladimir Putin is taking a break. He’s in Siberia putting on a snorkel and shooting fish with a spear gun. Though he later claimed the fish were killed by Ukrainian separatists.
The Late Late Show With James Corden
Trump thinks these 100-year-old Confederate monuments are beautiful. Which is weird. Usually, Trump doesn’t call anything beautiful if it’s over 30 years old. “There’s literally no difference between Robert E. Lee and George Washington” — that’s a quote from Donald Trump. Literally, no difference, except there’s literally a difference, like literally their names are different. You literally don’t know what literally means.
Late Night With Seth Meyers
A recent study found that 76 percent of U.S. adults have removed some or all of their pubic hair. The same study also found that zero percent of them go to my gym.