Late laughs
Conan
I love doing shows in Harlem, and I’ll tell you why. It’s changed so much just in the past year. You know things are different when you hear the phrase, “Meet me at the Whole Foods on Malcolm X Boulevard.”
Big mayoral election for New York City tomorrow. I know you’re excited about that. In fact, Mayor Bill DiBlasio has a 33-point lead. After hearing this, the New York Giants said, “What’s a lead?”
This morning, a woman was fired from her job because she was photographed flipping off President Trump. When asked for comment, Melania Trump said, “I didn’t like being first lady anyway.”
It’s so great to be back at the Apollo Theater. So many legends have graced the Apollo stage: Ella Fitzgerald, Jimi Hendrix, James Brown. Tonight, I can almost hear their ghosts saying, “Who let that white woman onstage?”
The Late Show With Stephen Colbert
Donald Trump is on a 13-day trip through Asia. “Fox & Friends” has one less viewer. On his way to Asia, he stopped off in Hawaii. Of course, that’s Obama’s home state. He’s very popular there, so people there didn’t want to say to Trump, “Aloha.” They wanted to say, “Aloha.”
Today Donald Trump continued his world tour of governmentmandated parades. This time: China. The main event! Or as they say there, the whole enchilada! The big kahuna!
The Late Show With James Corden
A new iPhone glitch is causing the lowercase letter “I” to be replaced by weird symbols. Have you experienced this? It’s so odd. Apple addressed the issue with an official statement saying, “What are you gonna do, buy a Samsung?”
Los Angeles apparently will be one of the first cities to get flying Ubers. L.A. is perfect, because who is more qualified to fly you through the sky at 5,000 feet than an out-of-work actor-DJ-dog walker?
President Donald Trump arrived in Japan over the weekend to kick off a 13-day trip through Asia. Following the president’s trip, Secretary of State Rex Tillerson will then kick off his own 13-day trip to apologize for everything Donald Trump said.
Trump was in Japan yesterday and plans to also visit Korea, China, Vietnam and the Philippines. Or, as Trump calls them, China.
During their meeting, President Trump and Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe exchanged signed baseball caps. And this is real: on the baseball caps it said, “Donald & Shinzo Make Alliance Even Greater.” Which sounds like the title of an American buddy cop movie after they translate it into Japanese.
Jimmy Kimmel Live
Twitter just doubled the amount of characters you can use, from 140 to 280. Which I think means Twitter is now Facebook.
Is it possible that there is anyone on the planet who thought: “You know what this year needs? More Twitter.”
President Trump is either going to have to quit Twitter or someone’s going to have to teach him more words.
My daughter Jane refuses to eat anything right now. She’s three years old. And, you know, it’s Hollywood, she’s concerned about her weight.