Late laughs

Conan

My favorite thing about Harlem is you can buy absolutely anything from the street vendors. Anything! That’s why, after the show tonight, you’re all invited back to my hotel to watch a bootleg copy of “Bride of Chucky.”

I left New York eight years ago. Since then, there have been so many changes to this city. I was walking around today and I noticed that the Starbucks near my old apartment has been replaced by a totally different Starbucks.

I love being uptown, but there’s a lot of gentrification in Harlem. In fact, it’s gotten so bad, the Harlem Globetrotters are now a bunch of white guys who play hockey.

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

The company that owns Match.com is in talks to buy Bumble for over $1 billion. But at their first meeting, Bumble had a friend call midway through in case things were going bad and they wanted to leave.

I just read that one of the least-returned holiday gifts for women is anti-aging skin cream. So if you’re thinking of buying the woman you love anti-aging skin cream — still don’t.

Last night, a painting by Leonardo da Vinci sold for a record $450 million. The winning bidder said they can’t wait to get home and put the painting in a frame they bought at Michaels.

I read that Kiss singer Gene Simmons was just banned from Fox News for sexual harassment. How bad did it have to be to get banned from Fox News? That’s like being banned from White Castle for being too high.

The Late Show With James Corden

The salad dressing company Hidden Valley is now offering actual kegs of ranch dressing. The kegs cost $50 and a lifetime of medical bills.

Two photographs that went missing from the Museum of a Modern Art in New York were mailed back to the museum just a few days later by the alleged thief. Which is, you know, great for the museum. Got to be a bit of a blow to the ego of the artist. “Your photographs were so popular they were stolen! No, wait, they sent them back.”

Trump said he accomplished a lot of things on his trip, but North Korea seems to have a different opinion because yesterday, North Korea state media published a scathing review of President Trump’s trip to Asia. They said Trump displayed his “true colors as an old lunatic, mean trickster and human reject.” Now you listen here, North Korea — we may not like him either, but that is the president of the United States you’re accurately describing.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The president took to Twitter today to brag about the stock market, attack the New York Times, promote Fox and Friends, promote Sean Hannity, criticize three UCLA basketball players and send his condolences after another multi-victim shooting — to the wrong city. In the wrong state. And that’s it I think — it’s like he never left.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Maryland police are searching for a woman caught on surveillance video climbing into a McDonald’s drive-thru window and helping herself to a soft drink before leaving with a box of stolen items. Police describe the suspect as “the McDonald’s customer who can still fit through the drive-thru window.”