Late laughs
Conan
It is Cyber Monday. It’s the time of year when you can get a great deal today on something you didn’t want yesterday. What’s my return policy on that joke, by the way?
Prince Harry has announced his engagement to an actress from Los Angeles. That’s exciting! So congratulations to Prince Harry and his fiancée Betty White.
Bernie Sanders has been nominated for a Grammy Award for best audiobook. Of course, Bernie supporters are already complaining that the Grammys are rigged so that Hillary will win.
Genealogy experts say that Prince Harry and his fiancée, Meghan Markle, are actually distant cousins. After hearing they were related, Queen Elizabeth finally gave the couple her blessing.
The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon
The other day, President Trump tweeted that he turned down an offer to be Time magazine’s Person of the Year. And that’s not all — today he said he turned down the chance to marry Prince Harry.
That’s right, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are engaged! So finally, a success story for Tinder!
This is nice — Harry actually asked Meghan’s father for his permission to marry her. But her dad was hesitant, ‘cause he was hoping she’d meet someone with a job.
At a White House event today honoring Native American war veterans, Trump referred to Elizabeth Warren as “Pocahontas.” Then the veterans called Trump by HIS Native American name: “Tweets With Small Hands.”
The Late Show With Stephen Colbert
According to the chairman of NBC News, [Matt] Lauer was fired due to “inappropriate sexual behavior in the workplace.” Not to be confused with “appropriate” sexual behavior in the workplace. Because that does not exist.
The Late Show With James Corden
The New York Times is reporting that Donald Trump is expected to fire his secretary of state, Rex Tillerson, in the coming weeks. Or, as Rex Tillerson is calling it, a Christmas miracle.
Jimmy Kimmel Live
Not only is Bono with us tonight — Kristen Bell, Bryan Cranston, DJ Khaled, Rita Wilson, Ashton Kutcher, Sean Diddy Combs are here, along with a number of other surprise guests. It’s like the Justice League. All we’re missing really is a guy who can talk to fish.
As of this week, RED has raised hundreds of millions of dollars to fight AIDS. And that is a lot. You could buy all of Oprah’s favorite things with hundreds of millions of dollars.
More famous and powerful men accused today of inappropriate behavior, including — this was a shocker — Santa Claus. Apparently, one of the children on his route saw him kissing Mommy and I guess it’s over.
Late Night With Seth Meyers
The official Rockefeller Center Christmas tree was lit earlier tonight. And it will stand there until early January, when I have to drag it out to the curb.
A couple in Arkansas recently named their baby Olivia Garten in honor of the restaurant chain Olive Garden. Olivia is joined at home by her older brother, Fred Lobster.