More of what adolescents need from their fathers
Last time, we introduced the topic of what adolescents need from their fathers (and, as many readers pointed out, mothers as well). That was just the beginning of the list. Here are a few more things to keep in mind as you parent your teen.
Encourage exercise and good nutrition. Your teen may be too big to wrestle with, but that doesn’t mean that she shouldn’t be active. Teens—boys and girls—need to exercise for at least 30 minutes every day to build strength, flexibility, and bone mass. Unfortunately, during the teen years, exercise time declines while screen time increases—and so does the risk of obesity, which is about 50 percent higher than it was just two decades ago. Make regular physical activity mandatory, and set a good example by being physically active yourself. If she’s interested, invite her to join your softball team, swim or run with you, play racquetball together, or even tag along to your karate class.
Read. Reading is an essential skill and you should do everything you can to promote it. Encourage him to spend time reading every day and make sure he sees you with a book in your hand. Tell each other about what you’re reading, even if it’s just a story from the newspaper. Encourage him to read on his own. Books can help him learn about cultures, find new role models as he moves away from us, and start formulating his philosophy on life.
Encourage creative thinking. When dealing with any kind of problem, focus on these four steps: identify the problem, brainstorm possible solutions—even ones that sound silly, identify the best and the worst options, and implement the best one.
Support their friendships (unless they’re hanging out with a truly bad crowd), and interest in popular culture. Kids this age are consumed with the notion of belonging and being accepted by their peers, and often, seeing the right movies, going to the right concerts, wearing the right clothes, and even an occasional ear piercing are what it takes to do that. Get to know her friends. We hear so much about the evils of peer pressure, but peers can be good too. Keep up to date on what’s cool, but don’t get too involved: The last thing she wants is a dad who acts like a teenager.
Respect their feelings. A few years ago, your teen though you were the coolest thing going. But now you’re more of an embarrassment. If your son (or daughter) has four or five friends over for a slumber party, don’t even think about trying to hang out with them. If you’re driving the carpool and he wants you to pick up or drop off around the corner, do it (as long as it’s safe). You may also need to cut back on kissing him in public.
Find common interests. Take an interest in her activities—whether it’s hiking, biking, video games, art, movies, music, sports, camping, going to museums, or something else—but don’t fake. Try to arrange one evening every week to spend time alone with each of your kids, especially the teens.
Know when to listen and when to talk. You’re a mentor now so keep your unsolicited advice to a minimum. Your teen may get furious at you for a perfectly well-intentioned offer of help—not because she doesn’t need the help, but because she doesn’t want it rubbed in her face that she can’t do without it. Exceptions to the advice rule are for certain tough topics like drugs, sex, and other non-negotiable health and safety issues. Let them know they can always talk to you and that you’ll listen in a non-judgmental way.
In reality, there’s no end to what our children need from us—or to how many times you might have to satisfy what looks like the same need. As you know (or soon will), a 13-year-old is a very different from a 17-year-old, and the approach that works perfectly with one might flop with the other.
Set clear, reasonable expectations and limits. Some activities (drugs, alcohol, R-rated movies) may not be acceptable in your home at all. Others, such as doing her own laundry, time spent with friends, screen time and curfew, may be negotiable. If you don’t set limits, your child will go to her friends for support. The problem is in most cases, those friends don’t know any more than she does. But because teens share a certain herd mentality with sheep, she’s likely to go along with what everyone else seems to be doing. Get her involved in coming up with the rules and setting the consequences. You enforce them.
Give responsibility and encourage independence. This can mean everything from letting your teen babysit for younger siblings or neighborhood kids to letting him drive your car or helping investigate and plan overseas trips. Let him make his own decisions (within reason) and don’t bail him out unless you really need to. Teens, like the rest of us, learn a lot from making mistakes.
Build financial independence. Sit down with your teen and chart out how much you expect to spend on clothes, cellphone, etc., over the next year. Then, give her 1/12 that amount every month and let her make her own purchases. This teaches about money, gives her a lot of control and reduces the amount of fights you’ll have over who’s paying for what or the difference between a need and a want. If you’re feeling adventurous, give her several months’ worth at a time. The catch is if she blows it all on a Gucci gym bag, she may end up wearing the same tattered jeans for the next six months. Now’s also the time to get her set up with a checking/ATM account and to encourage her to start socking away some of her allowance or lawn-mowing money for a car.
Choose your battles. Some things just aren’t worth arguing about, so don’t be afraid to compromise. Who cares what your teen wears, as long as it doesn’t smell? And if he doesn’t want to do his homework, great. Just as long as he knows that he’s responsible for maintaining his grades.
Don’t take things personally. Your feelings are going to get hurt during this time. You’ll be challenged, told you’re hated and that you’re an idiot. Fortunately, you aren’t alone in this, and eventually your child will come around. As Mark Twain put it, “When I was 14, I couldn’t believe how ignorant my father was. By the time I turned 21, I was astounded at how much the old man had learned in just seven years.”
Encourage community involvement. Volunteering at a recycling center or serving meals at a homeless shelter on Thanksgiving are important ways of reinforcing a sense that your teen is a citizen of a larger world. It’s crucial you set a good example by doing some of the same activities. I still remember sitting down with my father and going through the dozens of solicitations he received from charitable groups and watching him write check after check to ones we both decided were most worthy.
Keep in touch with your child’s teachers, coaches, counselors and others. Chances are your child will hear you’ve been snooping around but deep down, she’ll appreciate your concern.