Family sleeping arrangements: It depends

Dear Mr. Dad: Everyone I ask has a different opinion about whether it’s okay to share a bed with a baby. My biggest concern is safety. What’s the bottom line?

A: The short answer to your question is a resounding “It depends.” For years, the American Academy of Pediatrics recommended against bed sharing (sometimes called “the family bed”) because of the risks to the baby: typically, being injured (or worse) by a parent rolling over the baby or of being smothered by bedding. But given that about 60 percent of parents admit to bed sharing with their baby at least some time, the AAP has modified its position. They, like you, are mostly concerned about safety.

First, a little background. On one side of the debate are people who believe that babies should get used to sleeping by themselves as soon after birth as possible. The reasoning is that in American culture, we emphasize early independence, so babies should adapt quickly to being away from their parents, especially if both parents work and the children are in daycare.

On the other side are those who say that babies should sleep in the same bed as their parents (an idea shared by about 80 percent of the world’s population). The rationale is that human evolution simply can’t keep pace with what culture demands. “Proximity to parental sounds, smells, heat, and movement during the night is precisely what the human infant’s immature system expects— and needs,” says James McKenna, an anthropologist and sleep researcher.

Ultimately, it’s your call, and aside from safety, you may want to consider the following:

How will it affect the baby’s independence? There’s plenty of disagreement here too. Richard Ferber, author of “Solve Your Child’s Sleep Problems,” maintains that “sleeping alone is an important part of a child’s learning to be able to separate from his parents without anxiety and to see himself as an independent individual.” In contrast, Thomas F. Anders, M.D., a professor of psychiatry, contends that “every child is born with a strong need for lots of close physical contact with a caregiver, and children in whom this need isn’t met early in their lives may end up trying to fill it as adults.”

How will the baby sleep? Co-sleeping children tend to sleep more lightly than children who sleep alone (blankets rustling and parents turning over in bed wake them up). But light sleeping isn’t necessarily a bad thing. There seems to be a correlation between lighter sleep and a lower incidence of SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome).

If you share a bed with your baby, you may lose a lot of sexual spontaneity, and some sleep. Even the soundest-sleeping kids generally wake up every three or four hours; 70 percent look around for a few seconds and soothe themselves back to sleep. But if your baby is in the other 30 percent, he or she may wake up, see you, and want to play.

If you decide to share your bed with your child, do it because you and your partner want to, not because you feel you have to. You’re not negligent or overindulgent parents for doing it, so don’t be embarrassed by your choice.

If you decide that family sleeping isn’t for you, don’t feel guilty. You’re not a bad or selfish parent for not wanting to do it. Teaching your children to be independent doesn’t mean that you won’t have a close bond with them. But don’t feel like a failure if you allow an occasional exception, such as when a child is ill or frightened.

Now for the safety part. Avoid it if you can. The AAP recommends sharing the room—but not the bed—with your baby for the first 6-12 months. Room sharing has been linked with a 50 percent reduction in sleep-related deaths.

If you do share a bed, remove all blankets, pillows, and other smothering hazards. But skip it altogether if you have a waterbed or if you’re drunk or stoned or smoke in bed.

Always put the baby to sleep— whether in your bed or the crib—on his or her back.