Too much info too soon is a real dating turn-off
People don’t exactly shy away from sharing things about themselves. What may have seemed overindulgent a mere 10 years ago now seems commonplace. I now know what my childhood best friend cooked for dinner with her husband in Florida (chicken and rice pilaf), where my college roommate last went on vacation (Belgium), and how many bench presses my friend did at the gym (too many). As much as we might roll our eyes and say that it’s “TMI” (too much information), we still click and read and comment. The voyeur in us all eats this stuff up.
With Twitter and Facebook and Instagram (oh my!) and GChat and texting and Snapchat, it’s almost impossible not to overshare. When it comes to dating, though, there’s a fine line between an appropriate amount of sharing and simply too much information. I’m going to break things down into several key stages: Pre-Date TMI:
I was at my weekly mahjong game once (turns out I’m a grandma at heart), and my friend Jennie was talking about a guy she had “met” online. They did not go on a date. Here’s what happened:
They matched on the dating app Hinge. He sent her a message to say hi. She responded. He asked if she had any more photos to send to him (red flag). She said she didn’t. He asked if she wanted to see any more pictures of him. She said no. He sent pictures anyway, including a shirtless selfie.
She was so turned off that not only did he not listen to her but he also sent the shirtless picture. She ultimately decided not to go on the date. TMI.
First Date TMI:
A few years ago, I went on a date with someone I had matched with on one of the dating apps, Tinder I believe. We met for a drink, sat at the bar, and had, for the first 15 minutes, a light, enjoyable conversation… until he brought up his ex-wife. I didn’t ask any questions about that relationship because it’s really none of my business, at least before I know someone. (I could write a whole other article— or maybe I have—on why you should not get into past relationships on the first date.) Without any goading from me, he proceeded to tell me one negative thing upon another about his ex and how she made his life a living hell (his words, not mine), in addition to telling me that she had a mental illness. A few thoughts immediately went through my mind:
1) Perhaps he’s not over her if he still needs to talk about her this much.
2) If he speaks that poorly of someone he was married to, what would he say about me one day?
3) He shares very personal information about other people with strangers.
While I was certainly flattered that he felt comfortable enough to share with me, it was completely inappropriate in that setting and with that little time together. While we didn’t have enough in common to warrant another date anyway, the fact that there was TMI solidified that decision for me.
Now, I want to draw a distinction here between being yourself (do that right away!) and TMI. They are not mutually exclusive. For example, I’ve been known to spontaneously tap dance. Someone needs to see that side of me up front. That’s my essence, if you will. But sharing every detail about my skin tags that I need to get checked by the dermatologist every year … probably TMI.
There’s also the distinction of TMI before the first date and on the first date. Most dating apps allow you to link to your Instagram account. Don’t. Less is more. People will find one thing that they don’t like and dismiss you for it, so give fewer data points.
And on the first date, keep things light and in the present. Then, if you have rapport and want to see each other again, you can go a bit deeper next time. When you reveal too much (of the often negative variety, when sharing about past relationships), it’s hard to separate those stories from the person you are here and in the moment.
So, find your balance. Be who you are, but don’t overshare to the point that you’re either talking too much about yourself or revealing things about yourself or someone else that should come in good time.
(Erika Ettin is the founder of A Little Nudge, where she helps others navigate the often intimidating world of online dating. Want to connect with Erika? Join her newsletter, eepurl.com/dpHcH