How military dad can keep in touch

Dear Mr. Dad: I’m in the military and about to deploy. I have two children under 5 and a third who will be born while I’m gone. What should I do prepare (them, my wife, and myself) before I leave?

A: At any given moment, there are about half a million children under five in military families where dad or mom is deployed. For many military dads, the hardest part of deployment is trying to maintain relationships with their wife and children—or create one with a child who’ll be born while dad is thousands of miles away. That’s not going to be easy. But with a little preparation and a lot of commitment, it can be done. Here’s how.

Since your new baby will be born while you’re away, start by recording yourself (audio and/or video) reading stories. Then ask your wife to play recordings near her belly every night until the baby comes and to keep up the routine after the birth. That’ll keep your voice fresh in the baby’s mind so when you get back you won’t be as much of a stranger. Since it doesn’t matter what you read, you might as well record some of your older kids’ favorites, so they can enjoy story-time with dad too.

For your older kids, you and your wife should sit down and talk with them before you leave. Explain in age-appropriate terms exactly what’s happening and why. Young children won’t be able to grasp the concept of war or being gone a year, so keep it simple: daddy’s going far away for a while to help people. Kids under five still haven’t developed a lot of empathy and what they really want to know is how your being gone will affect them. Again, keep it simple: You’ll be back as soon as you can, and mommy will be there to take care of them.

Before you leave, make sure your partner has the logins and passwords to all online accounts, knows when bills are due, the phone number of your mechanic, and so on. Make sure your paychecks are on direct deposit and set up automatic bill pay for as many regular bills (rent, utilities, etc.) as possible. Last, write a will.

All that is the easy part. Staying in touch and feeling like part of the family while you’re gone is the challenge. Here are some ideas that will help.

Ask your wife to take plenty of pics and videos so you can keep up on what everyone’s up to. If you can receive emails where you’re going, great. If not, have her upload them to some site where you can see them.

Since your kids probably can’t read yet, write a bunch of notes and put them into a special basket. Your wife can read a new one to the kids every day, or your kids can take one out anytime they want a little virtual hug.

There’s no substitute for a good, old-fashioned package from Dad. Little things—a dried leaf from a tree near your barracks, an envelope full of sand—are great ways to let your kids know that you’re thinking of them no matter where you are.

For your wife, regular calls and emails will be greatly appreciated; as will flowers and other special reminders that you love her (hiding some little notes for her around the house before you leave can be fun).

Okay, that takes care of your wife and kids. What about you? Aside from those regular pics and videos, you might want to bring along a good book on child development to read. That will help you keep up with how your kids—and you—are changing and you’ll have a better chance of hitting the ground running when you get back. My book, “The Expectant Father, The New Father: A Dad’s Guide to the First Year,” and “Fathering Your Toddler: A Dad’s Guide to the Second and Third Years,” are great places to start. All are available as ebooks or hard copy.

(Read Armin Brott’s blog at DadSoup.com, follow him on Twitter, @mrdad, or send email to armin@mrdad.com.)