The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
In the next few days, top White House aides are going to present Trump with an impeachment response strategy. Just in time! That’s like the captain of the Titanic being like, “Ah we should have taken a left, I’m sorry. Is it too late?”
It’s officially October, and stores are already putting up their Halloween decorations. Unfortunately, those aren’t fake cobwebs at Forever 21.
They’re even putting up Halloween decorations at the White House. Just to frighten President Trump, instead of a scarecrow they’re using a cardboard cutout of Nancy Pelosi.
The Late Show With Stephen Colbert
Bill Barr is traveling the world trying to prove that all of Trump’s conspiracy theories are true. He’s going to find Obama’s birth certificate! He’s going to find all the people that aliens abducted from Trump’s inauguration crowd! And finally, he’ll bring help to hurricane-ravaged Alabama!
The Late Late Show with James Corden
The way to look at it is like this: the Democrats are Oprah, and subpoenas are free cars. “You get a subpoena! You get a subpoena! You get a subpoena!”
According to a new study, living close to the water is good for your mental health. Those who live less than a mile away from the ocean are less likely to have depression or anxiety — yeah, because you’re rich!
Late Night With Seth Meyers
President Trump today continued to defend his controversial phone call with the president of Ukraine, tweeting that it, quote, “could not have been nicer, warmer, or better.” Hey man, you’re not getting impeached over bad phone manners. You solicited a bribe. If a bank robber says, “Put the money in the bag, please and thank you,” he still goes to jail.
In an interview released today, Mayor Pete Buttigieg said the superhero he most identifies with is Spider-man because he is, quote, “kind of a nerdy guy who finds himself in a position of power.” And Joe Biden said he most identifies with Aquaman, because he’s been treading water for months.
Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che
The New York Metropolitan Opera announced that singer Placido Domingo has stepped down after accusations of sexual misconduct. He will be replaced by his far less sexually aggressive understudy: Flaccido Domingo.
A Little Late With Lilly Singh
Victoria’s Secret, the clothing company that created the most iconic intimate apparel for women, is owned by a company named L Brands, and the CEO of L Brands is someone named Leslie Wexner. When I first heard this, I was like, “This is great! You go Leslie!” And then I did some Googling, and it turns out Victoria’s secret is that she’s an old white guy.