The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Democrats may have a quiver of arrows, but Trump has a literal heat ray.

It used to take several decades for cultures to get nostalgic, but the past nine months have felt so long it’s time for VH1’s new series, “I Love the January!” I can’t believe the haircuts we had back then, in that we would get haircuts.

This Halloween, the CDC is discouraging trick-or-treating. Maybe that’s for the best. Anybody who goes dressed as a mummy is just going to get mugged for the toilet paper.

Donald Trump saying “you’re only in it for yourself” is like Jeffrey Dahmer telling you to be a vegan.

You can’t get rid of the ballots. An election without ballots is just a bunch of adults who took off work on Tuesday because they like stickers.