Sideline Chatter
By Dwight Perry
The Seattle Times (TNS)
Santa Claus didn’t visit the Jacksonville Jaguars this year.
For some reason the reindeer couldn’t touch down.
Headlines
• At TheOnion.com: “Star high-school quarterback blissfully unaware he’ll be Jets starter 4 years from now.”
• At Fark.com: “Hockey on ice.”
On thin ice
Former Olympic speedskater Allison Baver has been indicted by a federal grand jury in Utah on nine counts of fraud that accuse her of lying to obtain $10 million from the Paycheck Protection Program.
Defense lawyers immediately asked to let her just skate.
Tweet of the Week “Breaking: Due to unfortunate circumstances, the Texans-Jaguars game that was scheduled for Sunday at 1 p.m. EST is still scheduled for Sunday at 1 p.m. EST.” — stucknut
What’s the score?
The EasyPost Hawai’i Bowl was canceled after a virus plague swamped the Rainbow Warriors program.
Perplexed bowl officials can’t decide whether to declare it a forfeit, a no-contest or COVID-19, Hawai’i 0.
Packing a punch Former NBA player Deron Williams beat ex-NFL star Frank Gore by split decision in their prizefighting exhibition.
He credited al those weeks of training and all those years of boxing out.
Need a new defense
The Chiefs’ tandem of Travis Kelce and Tyreek Hill combined to catch 22 passes for 339 yards and three TDs against the Chargers.
Apparently not even a Cover-2 can cover those two.
Feeling a draft
The Jets, Jaguars, Texans, Broncos, Giants and Lions don’t have a Pro Bowl player this season, but there’s hope.
Falcons TE Kyle Pitts, Bengals WR Ja’Marr Chase, Cowboys LB Micah Parsons and Chargers T Rashawn Slater are the rookies to make the Pro Bowl this season — the Nos. 4, 5, 12 and 13 draft picks last spring.
Parting gift
The Vikings released cornerback Bashaud Breeland after he got into a verbal altercation with coaches and some of his teammates.
At least he escaped a penalty for illegal contact.
Penalty on the play
Jackson State linebacker Abdul-Malik McClain allegedly filed at least $903,688 in COVID-related unemployment benefits.
He faces 10 counts of mail fraud, two counts of aggravated identity theft and very illegal procedure.
Talking the talk
• QB Joe Burrow, to reporters, on the hidden benefit of being a Bengal: “Fortunately, there’s not a ton to do in Cincinnati. Nobody is going out to clubs and bars and getting COVID every weekend.”
• Nick Canepa of The San Diego Union-Tribune: “My understanding is that Urban Meyer is headed to USC. As a kicker.”
• RJ Currie of SportsDeke. com, on Packers kicker Mason Crosby making just 69% of his field-goal tries: “There’s one Crosby that’ll be dreaming of a wide Christmas.”
• Tim Hunter of Everett’s KRKO Radio: “If you got Tom Brady’s name in the Secret Santa drawing, he needs a new laptop.”
Now for the hard part Major League Baseball triggered the league’s first work stoppage since 1994, locking out players on Dec. 2.
Now, if they can just figure out a way to lock out COVID …
Quote marks
• Mike Bianchi of the Orlando (Fla.) Sentinel, on the local excitement for the Florida-UCF matchup in a third-tier bowl game: “If the Rose Bowl is ‘The Granddaddy of Them All’ then this Gasparilla Bowl was at least ‘The Drunk Uncle Al of Them All.’ “
• Hartley Miller of Prince George, B.C.’s CIRX Radio, on what the Maple Leafs should have gotten as a Christmas gift: “An authentic toilet seat: This can remind the team of every bum that has suited up in their uniform.”
• Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com, on 5-7 Rutgers replacing Texas A&M in the Gator Bowl: “Upsetting many pundits who think under .500 teams should
only get a chance for the postseason in the NBA, NHL and NFL.”
• Field Gulls, via Twitter: “Seahawks did all of that punting just for Michael Dickson to be a Pro Bowl SNUB.”
• Ravens defensive coordinator Wink Martindale, to reporters, on why he double/triple-teamed the Packers’ Davante Adams: “Adams is one of the top two receivers in the league, and he’s not No. 2.”
What I meant was … “Remember when the Tampa Bay Bucs signed oft-troubled wide receiver Antonio Brown and coach Bruce Arians said, “If he screws up one more time, he’s done,” wrote Mike Bianchi of The Orlando Sentinel. “Well, guess what? Brown is just coming off a three-game suspension for using a fake COVID vaccination card (a federal offense) and he’ll be suiting up for the Bucs this weekend.
“What Arians meant to say: ‘If he screws up one more time, he’s done — unless both of our starting wide receivers are injured and we really need him.’ “
Quote, end quote
• Bucs QB Tom Brady, on his podcast, on getting shut out 9-0 by New Orleans: “Yeah, they’re called the Saints. I don’t think they’re very saintly. A Saint would have probably let us score once or twice yesterday.”
• Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, via Twitter, on the 6.2 earthquake hit off the Northern California coast: “To give you an idea how strong that is, a 6.2 earthquake could shake a New York Jet into the end zone.”
• Bob Molinaro in the Norfolk Virginian-Pilot: “Two years ago, recently dismissed Jaguars coach Urban Meyer taught a course at Ohio State on character and leadership. Cue the laugh track.”