Wife is a second-class citizen in her own home

Dear Abby: I have been married for five years. My husband and I are both past middle age and have been married before (me twice; three times for him). For much of our early marriage, my husband was ill. He required several surgeries and a lot of care. I never complained or felt burdened, yet the smallest ache or pain I have is, apparently, a “pain” for him.

As time has gone on, there are some things in our marriage that I frankly don’t understand. We celebrate Father’s Day and his birthday, but never Mother’s Day or my birthday. My husband is sweet and charming to everyone, but often ignores or becomes very angry with me.

He has called me things he promised never to say. He makes excuses for not wanting to do things together. He spends upwards of 12 hours a day outside and seems to want to avoid me. He defends his friends when they say disrespectful things about me, citing the fact that he “doesn’t want to lose old friends.” He believes that whatever is said by others — friends, family, etc. — is my problem and I should just accept it. We have seen a marriage counselor and it has not helped us. Help me understand, please. — Undervalued In Nebraska

Dear Undervalued: From your description, your husband is selfish, self-centered, lacks the ability to empathize or nurture and would rather allow his “friends” to disrespect the woman he married than confront them. (What a prize!) I hope you felt some psychic gratification from taking care of him when he so badly needed it, because it appears that is all you are going to get from this relationship.

My question for you is: How long are you willing to tolerate being treated this way? Many women would prefer to be alone than living the life you are. You deserve better than what you have been getting, and I sincerely hope you will have the courage to go for it.