Late laughs
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
Yesterday [Nov. 5] was the New York City Marathon . ... Running a marathon is weird. Because yesterday, you were a superhero; today, you need help getting out of a chair. You know what I’m saying?
New polling shows that Trump leads Biden in nearly every key battleground state. It’s not a good sign when Biden’s advisers are like, “Good news, sir, though. You’re leading in Guam.” Since whatever he’s doing is working, Trump plans to commit at least 90 more felonies.
Some news from overseas. I read that Vladimir Putin plans to run again in next year’s [2024 Russian] presidential election. And somehow Putin is also leading Biden in five swing states . ... If Putin wins, he’ll serve his fifth term as president. And if he loses, he’ll serve his fifth term as president.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Tomorrow night [Nov. 8], the third and sadly not final Republican debate is happening in Miami. Five nonviable candidates will assemble on stage for no good reason at all. None of them will be president. Chris Christie, Nikki Haley, Vivek Ramaswamy, Tim Scott and Ron Desantis, what a line[up]. It’s like if all the Avengers were Hawkeye.
On the stand, Ivanka [Trump] repeatedly answered: “I don’t recall. I don’t recall. I don’t recall. Which is a phrase she picked up from her father whenever Eric [Trump] asked when his birthday was.
Late Night With Seth Meyers
The fastest runner in the New York City Marathon yesterday [Nov. 5] finished the course in just under two hours and five minutes, a full 10 minutes faster than if he had taken the bus. Better luck next year, the bus.
Texas senator Ted Cruz said in a new interview that he plans to run for president again someday and added, “I loved running for president in 2016. We came incredibly close. We came within inches of winning.” I guess in the same way that the moon is within 16 billion inches of the Earth.
During last night’s [Nov. 9] debate, Vivek Ramaswamy criticized Nikki Haley’s foreign policy views and said she was “Dick Cheney in three-inch heels.” “Hey, I’m right here,” said Ron Desantis.