CAROLYN HAX

in 2003. Carolyn Hax is away. The following first appeared Dear Carolyn: I’m in a long-distance friendship with a guy I met at a conference about a year ago. Neither of us is out of college yet, but he is a senior and I am a sophomore. We’ve talked to each other a lot and everything has gone really well, but the other day I got a very snappy email from him. I’m not sure what is the matter, but I’m afraid I may have done something wrong. I don’t want to ask him, lest I only irritate him more. I don’t want to ask his friends because they would tell him I asked. This is the first time he’s ever snapped at me. What should I do? Should I even be concerned? — Worried in West Virginia Yes, very, but not about him or your friendship. In one paragraph you’ve taken the first six steps toward getting treated like dirt: (1) You assumed the worst about his message, even though tone is notoriously hard to gauge in email. (2) You’re reflexively blaming yourself. (3) You’re suggesting that snapping is acceptable if in fact you made a mistake. (4) You’ve seized on the wispiest of justifications (the age difference) to position yourself as his inferior. (5) You therefore value his opinion of you above your opinion of him, and so are afraid to speak on your own behalf. (6) You’re indulging that fear and remaining silent. The mistreatment won’t come only from this guy, either. Stay fearful and you’re going to find a lifetime of people who will be more than happy to test whether you’ll do anything to stay in their favor. Save yourself the anguish and turn the Great Email Flap of 2003 into a healthy-relationship drill. Reply to the email as if this guy is your equal and you have no more to lose than he does: “Hey, that wasn’t like you. What’s up?” Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax.