A ‘Baywatch’ belly flop
No amount of brick-like abs can resuscitate this franchise.
Maybe we should blame “21 Jump Street.” • That was the first (I think) cinematic reboot of a television show that went the R-rated route and hit it big. Now “Baywatch” has followed suit. • With lame results. • The difference here is that “21 Jump Street” was funny. Even the inevitable sequel, “22 Jump Street,” was funny. Sure, there were plenty of dopey set pieces, but the jokes landed and Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill had great chemistry. • Dwayne Johnson and Zac Efron as buff lifeguards? • Not so much.
This film is much closer in spirit — and in quality — to the recent bigscreen version of “CHIPS.” Which is to say it thinks F-bombs, sex jokes and full-frontal male nudity (albeit on a dead guy in this film, which is somehow fitting) are substitutes for actual comedy.
Here’s the place for the regrettably necessary disclaimer: No, this kind of movie isn’t aiming for great heights. No, not every movie has to be dramatic, artistic and difficult to be good (see “21 Jump Street,” above). Part of the point of a movie like “Baywatch” is that, on many levels, it’s supposed to be stupid.
Mission accomplished, too well.
The TV show itself was pretty lame, but existed as a cultural wink-and-anod — preposterous plots peppered with perfect bodies practically popping out of their swimsuits. It made David Hasselhoff a weird kind of star, beloved for campiness, like a mascot for bad taste.
Here’s the story, such as it is: Johnson plays Mitch Buchannon (also the name of Hasselhoff’s character), the head lifeguard at Emerald Bay. But he’s more than that. An opening sequence finds him not just saving drowning swimmers but doing all sorts of heroic and cool things, to the delight of whatever crowd happens to be gathered.
“Are you Batman?” a kid asks.
“Just bigger. And browner.”
OK, so we’ve established that things aren’t super-serious, Mitch is larger-than-life (with Johnson in the role, how could he not be?) and … wait. On his rounds Mitch also finds a bag of a dangerous new drug that’s showing up. He’s concerned. We’re getting serious. But only for a minute. Mitch and the Baywatch team are about to be saddled with Matt Brody (Efron), a two-time Olympic gold medalist who is also an Olympian drinker and jerk (he puked in the pool during an Olympic relay, cementing his reputation). He’ll join Mitch and veteran guard CJ Parker (Kelly Rohrbach), along with new recruits Summer Quinn (Alexandra Daddario) and doughy Ronnie Greenbaum (Jon Bass).
The film, directed by Seth Gordon, who did better things with “The King of Kong” and some good television work, bounces around between being a dopey comedy, a sex romp, a redemption story and a crime drama. The latter comes courtesy of Priyanka Chopra as Victoria Leeds, a shady developer whose motives are kept under wraps about as well as Efron’s brick-like abs. People start showing up dead, so Mitch decides to take things into his own hands.
The police and city representatives repeatedly remind Mitch and the gang that they are not, in fact, cops, and they have no jurisdiction over any criminal investigation. If you think this dissuades Mitch in the least, you need to brush up on your plot clichés.
As with any movie of this sort, there are a few laughs. Johnson is as likable an actor as there is, and it’s to the actors’ credit that they buy in to the stupidity.
But there aren’t enough laughs and not nearly enough story. There are some cameos, but those are as obvious as everything else. This, truly, is the best Gordon and an army of writers could come up with?
I take it back. Don’t blame “21 Jump Street.” There’s plenty of blame to go around among the people who brought this drowning movie to the screen.