CAROLYN HAX

Dear Carolyn: My sister is expecting. She called to inform me she has chosen her 23-year-old, childless sister-in-law to be her baby’s guardian if anything should happen to her.

Her reason for not choosing me is my son. He has ADHD, learning disabilities and depression. He has threatened us in the past, but never followed through.

My sister is listed in my will as guardian for my three children. I told her I could find someone else. She told me she is still willing to be their guardian.

This leads me to believe that A: she feels she would be able to parent my child better than me or B: this isn’t about my son at all and she thinks I am a bad mother.

Carolyn, every single day is a struggle because of my son’s problems and behavior.

I’ve been raising children my entire adult life; it is my full-time job.

So for her to choose someone so inexperienced and young, over me, makes me feel like she’s been watching me and judging me the same way strangers do.

I don’t feel safe with her; I feel guarded now, and I don’t know how to get over this. — Anonymous Please — stop. Breathe. Full-bellied breaths. Your identity is tightly entwined and profoundly invested in your role as mother. I’m just presenting it as a fact.

“Professional mother” is the lens through which only you view yourself, though. And that means when someone like your sister says “no” to you, it’s possible she’s just saying no to the specifics of a situation.

Your words: “(E)very single day is a struggle because of my son’s problems and behavior.” Even if there weren’t a safety issue for a baby — which you can’t deny just because he hasn’t acted on his threats — you could still interpret your sister’s decision not to pile more work onto someone already overworked as a simple act of compassion. And sense.